


All This Time

by TribalVipe



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Blind Date, F/M, Love Confessions, Matchmaking, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-21 13:40:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13742088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TribalVipe/pseuds/TribalVipe
Summary: It's been a month since they've seen each other and for Rollins and Carisi...well that's just unacceptable.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Ok, I hope you guys enjoy this! It's probably going to be a 2-Shot, just FYI. I don't own SVU or its characters. ENJOY!

"Just one date."

Liv rolled her eyes and slid her glasses off her face. She threw them none too gently on the stack of witness statements she had to leaf through for Stone and glared at Amanda, who was trying the puppy dog eyes on her. Liv had no clue why…they rarely worked on anyone other than Carisi.

"Begging is beneath you, Rollins."

The blonde sighed heavily and crossed her arms over her chest, "I'm trying to get you out of this funk you've been in since Barba left. I'm your friend Liv…we all are…it's killing us seeing you sad."

Liv licked her lips, feeling the familiar stab of heartache she usually did whenever _he_ was brought up. A month with no communication; no phone calls or text from him but plenty from her. It hurt her deeply, and she was doing her best not to let it show, but apparently, she had failed miserably if Amanda was in there trying to set her up on a date.

She had also failed miserably, it seems, in not letting the fact that she had feelings for the former A.D.A that went beyond friendship, show. His case and his leaving had dealt a hefty blow, not only to the squad, but to her personal life. She sincerely hated it. She hated that she missed him so terribly.

"I don't want to go on a date. I don't want to be set up, either. You're overstepping here a little bit, I hope you know."

"Yeah, she is!" Amanda flipped off Fin through the open office door, who was shaking his head from his desk. Liv cracked a smile, but it slipped off her face just as quickly as it came on. She wasn't in the mood for any of this. She had to finish going through these statements, face Stone, who she still wasn't entirely getting used to or necessarily liking, and then she had to go home and cuddle her son, who was turning into her only source of happiness. Him and wine, she didn't really want to admit to herself.

"Liv, what could it hurt? I know you've been spending a lot of quality time with Noah, which is important, trust me. I do. But, some adult time to yourself or spent with others is necessary as well. I heard you humming the theme song to Paw Patrol the other day when we were getting coffee."

Liv opened her mouth to defend herself, but stopped and thought better of it. She would never say, but Rollins was right. More than right. It probably wasn't healthy that she was spending so much time with her child, smothering him with attention. She had started to notice within the past week that he was becoming increasingly more annoyed with her presence, which hurt a little, but was understandable.

He needed space, too. Space she wasn't giving him.

"What parent doesn't know the theme song for that show these days," she pointed out, matter of factly. She wasn't going to let on that Amanda was making sense, or that she was slowly but surely convincing her.

"Point taken, but Liv," Amanda sat down on one of the chairs across from her desk. It was the one Rafael always sat in when he was there visiting her. Her mood, which had become more lighthearted through her bantering with Amanda, plummeted again. "When you start humming it during work hours…something has to change."

The room descended into silence and Amanda's stare was so loaded and motivated, it left Liv with no other choice but to give-in. She nodded wordlessly and the only word she could use to describe the woman's expression was elation.

"But," Liv cut in through the woman's happy laughing, "Just one date. This isn't going to turn into something more. I'm not looking for a relationship and anything along those lines. This is just so I can get out of the house, away from my five-year-old who I love more than life itself, and get a free dinner."

"Noted," Amanda smiled, "I'll get back to him and let him know you're interested. Liv…you won't regret this, I promise."

She highly doubted that. Highly. She felt…wrong. She felt like she was betraying Rafael in some twisted way, which she loathed. She couldn't betray something that had never existed.

Liv groaned, noticing the time. She had another three hours before the end of her day and the stack of statements weren't going to read themselves. Doing her best to rid herself of the feelings she so desperately wish she didn't have, she got back to work, choosing to take her mind off the decision she just made and the man that wouldn't leave her thoughts.

* * *

"How the hell did you find me?"

Carisi smiled sheepishly and pushed his way into the apartment, glad to see Barba again, even if the man wasn't so glad to see him. They all missed him, and Carisi knew the man missed them, too, even though he would never admit to it.

"I'm a detective. Plus, I bought your mother some coffee, turned on the charm, and she spilled everything."

"My mother? You tracked down my mother and flirted with her just to get my address? Do you know how fucking creepy that sounds?"

Carisi grimaced, and Rafael took some pleasure in that. He hoped the man realized just how much of a stalker he was. He deserved it. But, something in him was glad to see the guy again. He hadn't had any contact with anyone from SVU in a good, long month. A hard month.

"I know, I know. I'm not here to bother you, either. Well, maybe a little."

"Carisi- "

"I won't waste on of your time, I promise. I just came by to check on you so I can report back to the others. Amanda and Fin had a case they were working on so they couldn't make it and Liv…"

Rafael visibly flinched at the mention of her name and a slew of feelings collided in his chest. He did his best not to show just how the mere mention of her name turned him into a mess of inner turmoil and self-loathing.

God, he missed her. He missed her so bad.

"I'm fine. I'm almost done unpacking and settling into my new job."

"Never took you for the teaching type."

Rafael exhaled slowly through his nose, sending the most brutal glare he could muster towards the younger man. Carisi held his ground, but averted his gaze, taking in the number of empty, broken down boxes by the couch. Next to it, a box with the words 'Law Texts' scribbled on it, looked untouched.

"We were all worried about you," he finally said, after a moment of silence. Rafael licked his lips and nodded, sliding his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "You just…left. Disappeared. We tried calling and texting- "

"I changed my number. I had to. I was getting bombarded…and I didn't have anyone's numbers memorized…" He wouldn't tell Carisi he could have backed them up and transferred the only ones he wanted to keep. But, he didn't. The move to change his phone number…to move to a new apartment, had all been done hastily and without thought. Losing those numbers were the last thing on his mind.

He regretted not keeping Liv's though. But, he couldn't even bring himself to ever try and go to her apartment or the precinct. She didn't deserve any of what he was carrying around with him. Not one ounce of it. She deserved so much better.

"I get it. I do. I'm just glad to see you doing better. You look better. Less tired. I like the beard," Carisi smiled and Rafael cracked one of his own. He didn't smile much these days. He didn't do much period. Most of his days were spent focusing on work, which was less than what he'd been dealing with at the D.A.'s office, leaving him with too much time on his hands.

"Well…tell everyone I'm ok. Maybe…I can see them again soon."

"That would be great." Carisi lifted a finger as his phone buzzed in his pocket. Rafael shook his head and weaved through the half-unpacked moving boxes to the kitchen, where his forgotten coffee sat on the counter. He glanced back as he heard the man squeal loudly and shot him a dirty look when they locked eyes.

"Sorry. Just…uh…you know, Rafael. I know this may seem super weird and everything, especially since is the first time I've seen you in a month and you never really liked me all that much," Carisi moved over to the other side of the breakfast bar, resting his forearms against the granite. Rafael sipped his coffee, refusing to deny that allegation. "But…well, my cousin's in town and I was supposed to be hooking her up with one of my classmates from Fordham, but he cancelled last minute and I already have plans with a friend of mine…"

Rafael shook his head, already knowing where it was going. Absolutely not. He was not about to take some random woman to dinner, pretend to have fun and then come back to his empty apartment to unpack some more. Carisi must have gone insane since he last saw him.

"No."

"Can I finish?"

"No. I'm not taking out your cousin, who I've never met, to dinner. If this is your lame attempt at setting me up on a date- "

"It's not a date! It's just dinner and…friendly conversation?"

Rafael scoffed at the words, but Carisi continued, "You barely leave this place and you've eaten nothing but frozen pizzas and crappy Chinese takeout since you resigned, and you can barely sleep. I think getting out on the town, with someone you've never met, might just be good for you!"

Rafael looked at him like he grew three heads, which he was almost sure Carisi had. "How in the hell did you get my mother to tell you all of this? Really?"

"Is she wrong?"

No, she wasn't. He didn't like the fact that Carisi knew all of this shit about him either. He was going to have a serious conversation with her as soon as the man left. Which he prayed to God would be soon.

"What harm could it do? Look, I'm not about to speculate on your love life and your feelings for a certain SVU Lieutenant," Rafael opened his mouth but Carisi beat him to the punch, "But I know that it's been a long time since you've done anything for yourself. All of this…resigning…distancing yourself…that wasn't for you. It was for her."

Rafael swallowed, feeling tears beginning to well up in his eyes. He cursed himself and kept them at bay, too proud to cry in front of Carisi. His words were stingingly accurate. They slapped him across the face and it burned where they landed.

"I understand that. I truly do, Rafael. You want to move on, for her sake. So…move on yourself. Take Toni out to dinner tonight."

Rafael closed his eyes, feeling his heart constrict in his chest. He'd been trying so hard to forget about Olivia Benson. So hard. She deserved better than him and he needed to move on. To live his life…without her. That was the painful truth.

Fuck…

"Fine," Rafael whispered, but immediately raised a finger, "But just one dinner. This isn't going to turn into something. I don't want a relationship."

"Ok! Ok, that's fine! That's great! Oh man, you're not gonna regret this Counselor! Oh, I mean…Professor?"

"Get out, Carisi."

Carisi nearly giggled and reached for a pen and the newspaper that was sitting open on the crossword puzzle just a foot away from him on the counter. He jotted down, sloppily, two numbers. His and Toni's.

"Here's her number. She'll be expecting a text for when and where. Also, do me a favor and flirt with her a little? She just got divorced and she's got four kids by different dad's…it's been a while since someone's taken her out. Don't say anything too risqué…she's professional and definitely wouldn't appreciate anything too sexual- "

"You have ten seconds before I change my mind. Get. Out."

"Good seeing you, Rafa! Have fun tonight!"

Rafael groaned and pushed the paper away, already feeling anxiety flare up in his chest at the thought of being out on the streets of the city with another woman on his arm. His thoughts immediately went to Liv again, unable to think about anything else for the next few hours.

* * *

Just as Liv shut out the lights to her office, her phone buzzed in her hand.

An unrecognizable number appeared on the screen with a few, short sentences giving the address of some restaurant uptown and what time their reservation was for, under the name Felipe. She looked up, seeing Amanda staring at her from her desk.

"I'm guessing you gave the mystery guy my number?"

"Uh…yeah. He insisted. Don't worry, he's not a creep who's going to bombard you with text messages or anything. It just makes things easier if he gets to you directly rather than go through me and everything."

"Uh huh," Liv said, already blowing off Amanda's flimsy excuse. Fin shook his head at the blonde again but Amanda waved him off. Liv furrowed her brows at that, but continued on walking towards the elevator. She walked all the way home slowly, silently, doing her best to keep her mind from straying elsewhere. She had a whole weekend off ahead of her and she was already making plans for various activities she could do with Noah, most of which, involved cuddling, feeding him ice cream and watching kid's movies.

It was the sad truth, but that was the only thing she could even look forward to anymore.

"Mommy!"

Her heart soared as her little man crossed the living room, slipping a little on the hard wood with his socked feet. She picked him up and kissed him, holding him against her for longer than necessary, until he squirmed in her grasp.

"Mommy, you were choking me."

"I'm sorry, baby," she cooed and set him on his feet, chuckling a little at his scrunched-up nose, "I just missed you so much."

"I didn't miss you because we spend time with each other a lot now," he said and turned on his heel, eliciting a snort from Lucy, who was in the kitchen cooking away. Liv put her stuff down on the counter, shaking her head, "Leave it to the five-year-old to give you the honest truth."

Lucy smiled, "So. A date?"

"Don't even. I'm only doing this so Noah doesn't feel like I'm smothering him and also to shut my detective up, who thinks it's her job to set me up with eligible bachelors."

"Well…I think it's a good thing. You've been down lately. You need to go out and enjoy yourself."

Liv just shrugged her shoulders and patted the woman on the arm on the way to her bedroom. She had a good two hours to kill before she had to be at the restaurant, and a shower was in order.

She did little prep in the beauty department. She shaved her legs and did her skin care routine, but that was it. Some light makeup, dressy flats and slacks and nice, shimmery blouse underneath a cardigan. She looked like she was going to work meeting rather than a date, but she couldn't bring herself to really put in the effort. Plus, it was going to be a good thirty-minute subway ride to the block where the restaurant was, and she was in no mood to deal with heels that were going to make her feet scream.

She didn't bother checking her makeup and hair in the mirror as she left. She kissed Noah on the cheek, missing him already and reminded Lucy to check-in with her every hour, like they had been doing since the Sheila fiasco.

She trekked all the way to train station, making light conversation on the ride with another woman, whose daughter accidentally stepped on her foot. Swapping stories about her kids with some random woman on the subway was probably the only good thing that was going to come from this night.

She was sure of it, as she entered the restaurant and uttered the name for the reservation. She followed behind the host, weaving through tables of other diner's, all of whom looked happy to be there with dates or family. She was not going to be amongst them, tonight. In fact, she was already making plans to head home early from this date, as soon as she slammed down a few glasses of wine. Hell, she was already planning on paying for the meal, just so she could scram and go home and not offend this poor man who was set up with her.

"Your table, miss," the host waved towards an empty seat, obscuring her view of the man at the table. When the host did move, Liv froze, locking eyes with familiar green one's and her heart nearly came to a screeching halt in her chest.

Amanda had forgotten to mention that the blind date she set her up on wasn't a blind date at all.

And it was with Rafael Barba, the man who she couldn't stop thinking about for an entire month since he vanished from the face of the Earth.

She was going to need more than wine for this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ok. So. Here's this chapter. I got stuck on it for a while, but I'm ok with how it goes I guess. I mean, not really, but whateva. Also, I decided to add another chapter after this for obvious reasons. I don't own SVU or its characters. Enjoy!

Rafael sighed and nodded at the waiter, who refilled his scotch.

He arrived far too early, finding he needed to get out of his apartment sooner rather than later. All he had done since Carisi had left that afternoon was think about Liv and what would happen if he ran into her again. He certainly had been too cowardly to approach her, even though he tried talking himself into showing up on her doorstep numerous times. Then, he talked himself right out of it, convinced she wouldn't want to see him after everything that happened.

The thought that maybe he was right definitely hurt. Olivia was headstrong and stubborn. If her anger won out over all emotion against him, then she would use it as fuel for the fire inside her. Honestly, he hoped it had won out. He didn't want her to be sad and upset over him. Not after everything that had happened.

But he couldn't help wanting to see her again. To look into her eyes and apologize and confess everything to her. The weight that sat on his chest for years felt like a boulder now, slowly crushing him under its weight. It would kill him sooner or later, he was sure of it.

He checked his watch, realizing it was five minutes past. She was late and he had the strongest urge to bolt and tell Carisi he was stood up. He just wanted to go home, take a shower and crawl into bed so he could stare at the ceiling and think about her until he fell asleep.

This was a mistake, anyway. He had lesson plans sitting on his table, waiting to be written up next to quizzes from last week that were yet to be graded. Above all that, he likely doubted he was going to make it through the short amount of time he planned on being there, without thinking of big, brown eyes and a soft, tender voice.

He didn't care if Carisi got mad at him for standing up his cousin. He didn't want to be there anymore, so he was just going to goo.

He was about to wave for the waiter, too, until the host appeared next to him. He held back a groan and did his best to hide the annoyed expression on his face. "Your table, miss."

Rafael reached for his scotch, not even bothering to stand. He nearly knocked it over when his eyes met Olivia's and his world stopped moving. The host walked around her and to the chair on the other side of the table, pulling it out for her. She didn't move, though.

He felt like he couldn't breathe with those brown eyes piercing his. His hand still hovered over the glass, mouth open trying to move to form words.

"Miss?"

Liv snapped out of her trance and looked at the host. She looked between him and the seat quickly, almost as if she was trying to decide whether or not to sit or bolt. For one, terrifying second, he thought he saw her begin to shift away, but he was utterly relieved when she sat down across from him.

"Enjoy your meal."

Neither of them said anything. They still just stared at each other. Liv's expression had gone from shocked to blank, giving him the poker face she had honed over the years. She was looking at him like he was criminal and that was the last thing he wanted from her.

It was a loaded silence until the waiter appeared next, oblivious to the palpable tension surrounding their table. Liv licked her lips and broke their stare, not even hesitating when she opened her mouth, "Whiskey. On the rocks."

He winced internally, knowing this was about to be one of the hardest conversations he was ever going to have. That is, if she stayed through it. The look on her face was making him skeptical she wasn't going to stay to hear his side.

He couldn't blame her if she didn't.

The waiter quickly left again, descending them back into silence. Rafael watched as she squirmed around in her seat uncomfortably, staring at the pattern of his tie instead of his eyes. He licked his lips and reached for his drink again, taking too large of a sip and nearly choking on it.

"Sorry," he sputtered out. Liv's eyes darted back up to his, looking slightly startled that he spoke. A small smile broke her blank expression, but it quickly fell. She cleared her throat and leaned back in her chair, arms crossed. It was a move he'd seen plenty of times across a desk in either his or her office. He was ashamed to admit he was slightly intimidated by it.

"Sorry…," she shook her head. Rafael looked away, instantly recognizing that tone of voice. It was going to be futile to defend himself, not that he wanted to. He was ready to face the music…and to kill Carisi. That bastard was clever, he would give him that.

"Where have you been?" She peered across the table at him, "Why did you just…vanish?"

She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, her eyes shimmering in the dim lighting and he felt his heart stutter in his chest. Liv reigned herself in and shifted again, clearing her throat when their waiter showed up and set her glass on the table. She slammed it down only seconds later.

"Keep them coming," she muttered, ignoring the kid's expression when he nodded hesitantly and left them. Rafael reached across the table and grazed her fingers, but she flinched and he pulled back, instantly regretting the move.

"I couldn't deal…with things. After I left the courthouse…after I left you…I just went home and drank and cried and woke up with the world's worst hangover the next morning. All I could think about was that baby...I was mess, Liv. I've been a mess for the past month- "

"Then why didn't you talk to me?" She was angry now. Those words were spat with venom, meant to strike, but they weren't mean words. "I was right there this whole time, Barba. Why didn't you come to me?"

"And say what, Liv? Tell you I can barely live with the guilt from what I did? Tell you that I went through six bottles of scotch in a week? Tell you that I can't bare the thought of you not wanting anything to do with me?"

"Why would you think that?"

Rafael swallowed and balled his hands into fists, trying to blink back the sting of fears. Liv was staring at him intently, eyebrows knit together and her elbows on the table. The waiter interrupted them before he could speak, for which he was grateful, and asked for their orders. Liv shooed him away again, not even sparing him, or the glass, a glance.

"Why would you think I wouldn't want anything to do with you?" Her voice was softer, like her eyes, and he could feel himself crumbling under the weight of her stare. He had to remain strong, though. He would crumble when he was alone, in his bed, after she walked out of his life without looking back. Only then he would allow those tears.

"You're so good, Liv. So good. You can deal with things…you could have done something to help those parents and to help that baby…something other than what I did. You wouldn't have compared this situation to my father's situation and the overwhelming guilt I've carried around all these years because of it. Liv, I pulled the plug on an innocent baby. How could you bother to even talk to me anymore?"

Liv shook her head, and laid both of her hands on his balled-up fists. She forced his hands open and he breathed shakily, letting his eyes drop close so he could focus on the sensation of her soft fingers and her soft words.

"I don't like what you did. That's the truth and you already knew that. But, you did what was right. There was no future for Andrew, everyone knew that, that's why you're sitting here with my today. But, because I don't like what you did, doesn't mean I hate you. I care about you, Rafael, more than you know. I need you to remember that."

He nodded, sniffing loudly to ward off the tears as the relief settled in his stomach. It clenched a second later, "But I'm still pissed at how you left. Noah asked about you, by the way. He wanted to know why Uncle Rafa wasn't coming over for work dinners on Fridays anymore."

"I could have gone without knowing that," Rafael pulled his hands away and rested his face in them, the relief from moments before twisting right back into guilt. Out of everyone in his life, disappointing Noah was what he feared the most. It was weird, he thought, for him to feel that way. He wasn't the boy's father, but at certain times, when Noah would curl up next to him on the couch after he persuaded him into staying for a movie, or even gave those big, long hugs that silently asked him to stay, he certainly felt like he wanted to be.

The thought that Noah was sad, and that Liv was just as sad having to bypass those questions, made him feel like the scum of the Earth. More so than he already did feel like it.

"I didn't mean to hurt him. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Yeah, well you did. Pretty deep, Barba." He winced at the last name. He had grown used to her calling him Rafa and hearing his last name fall from her lips made something in his stomach churn. "You walk away after everything…after saying what you did and decide to just disappear? I thought…"

She trailed off and swallowed, feeling tears sting her eyes. She had all but refused to cry over him, but now, her heart was rebelling against her mind.

It was those damn green eyes that was setting her off, too. It was always the eyes.

"I thought there was something there," she admitted, biting her lip. Tears welled up in her eyes but she didn't allow them to fall. Not in front of all these strangers. Had they been alone at that exact moment, she had no doubt she would be a crying mess.

Rafael reached across the table, grabbing her hand in both of his. His touch was warm and electric as he all but demanded she look at him. She obeyed, only because his own voice had hitched in his throat and his grip was tightening more by the second.

"There was. There _is_ something there. I've tried so hard not to feel it, Liv, because you deserve so much better than everything I am, but…," he inhaled deeply and she hung onto it, eyes boring into his. She leaned forward, bringing her other hand up to grasp his wrist.

"But what," she whispered. The waiter chose that moment to step up with their fresh drinks in hand and Liv pulled back, glaring up at him as he set the glasses on the table. "Can we get the check, please, thanks."

The young man looked stunned for a second and stuttered out a response before leaving them, sending them a confused glance over his shoulder. Rafael chuckled despite the heavy conversation they were in the middle of, and then he couldn't stop after Liv cracked a hesitant smile.

It wasn't long before she joined him, the two spending a few moments giggling like mad at the table. Rafael settled, nodding at an older couple who sat nearby, staring at them like they both had grown three heads. Liv noticed and calmed, clearing her throat to try and cover up the fact that she snorted a second ago.

"Would you look at us? What is this?"

She shook her head, smile still bright, "You tell me. I'm still trying to decide whether I'm still angry at you for vanishing for a month or asking if you want to leave and go back to my place for a drink."

"How about my place, instead? We need to talk some more…and I don't want to risk waking up Noah, even though I'm dying to see him. I miss him, a lot. And you…"

Liv nodded, "I agree. As long as you have wine. If I have another sip of whiskey I'll be too hungover to take Noah to the park in the morning."

* * *

 "Can you, for the love of everything Holy, STOP smacking your lips? Were you raised in a barn?"

Carisi stopped with a Cheeto halfway to his open mouth. He licked his lips and apologized, dropping the bright orange chip back into the bag. Amanda shook her head and sipped from her water bottle. Her back was beginning to ache a little from sitting in the car for so long, but it was a small price to pay for making sure their little, devious plan worked.

"Any sign of them yet?"

"Well, Liv hasn't walked out angrily and Barba hasn't walked out with a split lip or a bloody nose…so I'm assuming it's going relatively well."

"I still feel bad that we lied to them both. Don't you think it's a little unfair we threw them at each other without any notice?"

"Like the two of them were going to come to their senses and meet up on their own? That would take years with how stubborn they both are."

Carisi sucked on his thumb, that was covered with Cheeto dust, "Yeah, I know, but still…I feel like we're sticking our noses where they don't belong. Like, it's none of our business, ya know? Isn't that right, Fin?"

From the backseat, Rita rolled her eyes in the light of her phone screen and looked at Fin, who had drifted off with his head resting against the window. She gently shook his knee and flashed the time at him.

"Alright, my twenty minutes is up. If Liv comes out covered in blood and needs to hide a body, call me. Other than that, I'm unreachable the rest of the night."

Rita scoffed, "Please. She won't kill him. If anything, they're going to leave and probably go to his place to have amazing, angry, make-up sex and I swear, if I even hear that the both of you followed them back, I'll file charges on Rafael's behalf."

Amanda turned around in her seat, "They were both miserable. Somebody had to do something and I'm so sick of having to go to Stone's office because she doesn't want to." She didn't even bother responding to Carisi's skeptical look.

"I understand, but all of _this_ ," Rita gestured at the car and the restaurant, "Is kind of a creepy. Don't get caught. Fin? You ready? My father and sister got there five minutes ago and I want to you to meet them before daddy starts talking politics and Liza gets drunk."

"I can't wait," he said sarcastically, giving them little more than a nod as he slid out, leaving them in silence. It stayed that way for a full five minutes, until Carisi nearly shrieked in her ear, pointing wildly at the door.

Liv and Barba appeared, walking slowly with a reasonable distance between them. They weren't touching, and they weren't exactly smiling, but they were heading in the same direction, away from Liv's apartment and the subway station. According to Carisi, Barba didn't live that far away, and Amanda shuddered at the idea that Rita's prediction was probably going to come true.

They both sunk further down in their seats, even though they likelihood of them being seen across the street and through the black tinted windows was small. They watched until they turned the corner of the street and disappeared from sight.

"Ok. That was good," Amanda said, feeling relief as she sat up and started the car. They both buckled in and pulled out onto the street, both intent on heading back to her place to fire up the next episode of Game of Thrones, their latest television addiction.

"Yeah. I just don't want to envision the two of them having sex. I don't need that kind of negativity in my brain."

"Who you tellin'?"

"Pizza?"

"Subs. Spicy meatball with extra cheese."

"I knew there was a reason why we're best friends."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ok! Here's the final part! Smut warning ahead! It's probably not very good but oh well, I did my best. Thank you guys for reading and enjoying this fic. It means the world to me! I don't own SVU or its characters. Enjoy!

Liv was surprised how homey and comfortable his new apartment looked.

She wasn't a fan of his previous one, with its stark white walls, little decoration, and black and grey furniture. It looked posh and unused, and fit the cold, standoffish demeanor he had let go of a long time ago, especially around her.

This apartment had brick and warm wood, rich reds and blues, and she was suddenly struck with the strong memory of his words from the last time they spoke, standing outside of the courthouse, cold and lonely as she watched him walk away. She felt the anger and sadness still simmering in her belly, even as she drank him in as he passed her and into the kitchen.

He looked better, she had to admit. The bags under his eyes were smaller, his hair was less stiff with product and the beard…she hated how good he looked with it. But, he always looked good, and there was no denying that. Not that she wanted to, although it would be helpful in this situation if he didn't look so incredible in jeans.

"Sorry about all of the boxes. I haven't really had time to unpack." Liv had a trained eye and she could tell he was lying, but she didn't respond. She eyed a few boxes of books, remembering he had an impressive amount of them, ranging from fiction to old school textbooks he still used from time to time.

She judged from the site of the unopened box that read 'Law Texts' on the side, that he wasn't exactly using those as much now. Her exploration of his apartment brought her to a stop by the coffee table, where a stack of papers that looked like tests caught her attention. She didn't miss the letterhead of a local college peeking out from a leather messenger bag.

"Yeah, I'm teaching now."

Liv turned in time to intercept her glass of wine and followed suit when he gestured for her to sit. She settled into the cushions and crossed her legs, eyeing the way he nervously rubbed his finger along the rim of his tumbler. "Professor Barba, huh? That's certainly unexpected."

"Well…it's only because the University wanted to make an example out of me. The students are intrigued enough with me, as is the board. Plus, it keeps me as far away from a court room as I need it to."

Liv nodded, taking a long sip of her wine. He fidgeted next to her, elbows on his knees. He was searching for something to say. She could tell just by the way his eyes moved rapidly around the room and his teeth were sinking into his bottom lip.

Her mind kept going over what he'd been saying at the restaurant, right before they were interrupted, and she wanted to desperately to bring it back up again. But, she also didn't want to rush him. Rafael Barba was an extremely guarded man, even with her, who was privy to see things no one else ever did see. Not even his own mother.

Pushing him would make him back up, and he wasn't going to do that to her again. She wouldn't let him. He wasn't going to shut her out and take off again. If he did, there would be no easy way to forgive him again.

"Do you like it?"

He glanced at her and then looked down at the work on the coffee table. He shrugged and took a drink, "It's alright. I never envisioned myself teaching classes…but then again I thought I would work at the DA's office until the day I died."

Liv snorted, "You wouldn't have lasted that long. Not with me heading SVU."

She was smiling, finding the situation humorous, but when he looked back at her, there was no trace of amusement on him. "That's not true. You are part of the reason why I saw myself working there forever."

Rafael downed the rest of his drink and stood, walking back to the kitchen for what she assumed was a refill. Liv sat there a second longer before she turned around, slinging her arm over the back of the couch. She watched his unhurried movements and the tensions in the lines of his body. He was nervous.

"Why?"

She stood, twisting the stem of the wine glass between her fingers. Rafael scoffed and took another long swig of his fresh scotch, "You know why."

Liv couldn't help the flare of anger that shot through at that and she rounded the couch, "No. I don't know why. That's why I asked you, obviously." She didn't flinch at how hard she slammed the glass on the counter that separated them. He lowered his own glass, face solemn.

"You know why, Liv. I don't think I need to spell it out. I practically already did at the courthouse that day…"

"Oh bullshit," Liv exploded, hands flying out in exasperation. She was afraid of this. She was afraid this was going to happen and that she wasn't going to be able to control what came out of her mouth. "All you did was rattle off a bunch of colors and tell me you had to move on. Did you expect to me dig down and read between the lines, Rafael?"

He splayed both of his hands on the counter in front of him and hung his head, looking defeated. He was shaking his head and she knew that was a telltale sign that his own anger was flaring. In her own state, she hoped it was. It had been so long since they went toe-to-toe, and there was a burning desire, deep down, to truly get to him like he'd gotten to her.

"Six years of this," he spit, standing up suddenly. His expression was twisted into irritation and Liv just glared at him, hands balled into fists as she shifted back and forth on her feet. "Six years of you and me and whatever this is and we end up here. Fighting."

"Well, maybe all of this could have been avoided if you would have come and _talked to me_!"

"No! It wouldn't! You don't understand, Liv. I can't talk to you like this…"

"What don't I understand," she yelled, walking straight up to him. She stopped a foot away, challenging him. She could sense he was backing away and she wasn't going to let it happen. "Tell me! Tell me what it is that I don't understand!"

Rafael turned on her, really angry now as he stepped up to her, stopping only inches away. His nostrils were flared and his eyebrows were knit together, finger pointing directly at her chest, "Are you really too dense to understand what I've been trying to tell you these past couple of months? Do I have to spell it the fuck out for you? I LOVE you, Olivia! I've been in love with you for years and you've been too blind to see it. You know, I'm sorry I'm not the type of man that comes right out with it and tells you what I'm feeling point blank like Tucker or even that train wreck Cassidy, or whoever else you've been with before, but that's because I was too afraid to lose you. But, I'm not afraid anymore! So take this for what it is and just go, because I know I've already been beat!"

Liv stood before him, stunned silent, lips pursed and jaw set. Her face was glowing a bright red and her heart was beating so loud in her chest, she could hardly think. The words sunk into her brain, leaving her feeling light headed. There was deafening silence that followed for all of three seconds.

Liv grunted when their lips met and she groaned again when she was pushed roughly backwards, her ass hitting the edge of the small dining room table. She kissed him back hungrily, fingers trailing up through his hair and nails scratching his scalp on the way back down. Their kisses were sloppy and noisy and all she could focus on was sliding up onto the dining room table and pulling him flush against her, wrapping her legs around his.

He was warm and his hands were fire, trailing under shirt, along her skin with frantic precision. She moaned when he tugged on her bra and she retaliated by tugging on his belt, undoing it quickly. She could feel his erection pressing against her and all she wanted was him inside of her, fucking her, bringing her the sensations she'd been denying wanting for so long.

As soon as his belt and pants were undone, she slipped her hand inside and wrapped it around him. He bucked against her and tugged harder on the clasp against her back, the fabric snapping and scraping against her skin as it broke. He pulled back and cursed, apologizing and tugging her shirt upwards. She reluctantly let go of him and shred the cardigan and blouse off, leaving her nearly topless with her bra hanging loosely off her shoulders.

"Come here," she whispered harshly and tugged on his own sweater, needing to feel his lips against hers again. But he bypassed her mouth and attacked her neck, nipping and licking while she shoved his pants and boxer briefs down his legs, exposing his hardened length to her eyes. She gasped and groaned aloud as he thrust against her clothed entrance.

Liv wriggled against the table and attempted to undo her own pants, but he batted her hand away and did it himself. Their lips connected once more as soon as he got them open and yanked them down past her ass and legs.

There was no wasted time and no gentle care. He pulled her towards the edge of the table easily, pulled her panties to the side and she spread her legs and he was inside of her in an instant. She pulled away from his lips and let her head fall back, a loud moan escaping her lips at the sensation of his sheathed inside of her. It felt damn near perfect, the way he fit inside of her, making her shiver against him.

"I love you," she cried, the words leaving her mouth of their own accord. He groaned even louder and pulled out after a moment and began to thrust into her hard and fast, an unforgiving rhythm she was eternally grateful for. His fingers dug into the skin of her hips the harder he pulled her against him, and after she found her strength, she pushed back against him, joining his blisteringly hot movements.

The noises of their skin and their wetness meeting was intermingled with moans and groans of pleasure, along with those whispered words of love, and they didn't stop until she tensed up and shook silently with release. He followed moments later, riding out his own orgasm until he could move no more.

They panted against each other's mouths, both of them staring at each other as they both came down from their highs together. They were both sweaty and red-faced, but she couldn't hold back the tears that were falling down her cheeks. Rafael pulled back a little, but he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer, still sheathed inside of her. His own tears he fought to hold back all evening fell with hers.

"I love you," she breathed, a sob that she couldn't control following. "I love you and I'm sorry I didn't see it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

He pressed their foreheads together and shook his head, moving one of his hands up to her face to wipe away the tears. "No, no don't be. It was me. I should have said something. I should have told you I loved you that day on the street. I shouldn't have been a coward."

"Stop," she whispered and kissed him, pressing against him fully to wrap him in a proper hug. They stayed there for a long while, just holding each other and enjoying the closeness and the quiet of his apartment. Liv smiled into his still clothed shoulder, feeling her heart soar in her chest.

All the heartache over the past couple of weeks and the confusion of his sudden departure and of what he said to her dissipated into thin air, just like that. The love she had for this man, now out in the open and reciprocated, was worth everything they both endured.

They finally pulled apart after Liv's cell phone buzzed loudly from her purse that she dropped by the front door. Rafael slid away from her and helped her off the table, both of them chuckling at the mess they created and looked like. She slid her broken bra off and let it fall to the floor, knowing there was no reason to be modest now.

"Stay," he said quietly before she could move out of his grasp completely. He looked so vulnerable in that instant, and scared, but she nodded and kissed him again, leaving no doubt that she wouldn't be leaving him anytime soon. She didn't even think she could if she wanted to.

"Let me give Lucy a call and talk to Noah. Do you want to say hi?"

"Please," he responded and she trekked across the apartment to her bag. On the way back over to him, she smiled at the picture that popped up on her screen. Noah was decked out in his favorite onesie with a book open in his lap, and she instantly spotted it as the book Rafael had gotten him for his birthday last year.

"I'm going to warn you, we might be sitting here for half hour, so we should probably get some clothes on before I freeze to death."

* * *

A little over an hour later and the sat cuddled on the sofa, the television playing some old black and white movie they were barely paying attention to. They had ordered a pizza, and the box sat half-empty near their feet that were propped up on the coffee table. The phone call with Noah lasted for far longer than either of them had anticipated, but he'd been so excited to hear Uncle Rafa's voice, the boy wouldn't let him off the phone. They tried many attempts to send him off to bed so they could get to Rafael's, but only after Uncle Rafa assured him that he would be there for their park outing in the morning, were they successful.

Now, they sat there, pressed against each other and just enjoying their presence. After everything that had gone down, it was nice to just be. But, Liv had one pressing question on her mind that hadn't left her the entire evening. She nudged his foot with hers and looked up from where her head rested against his shoulder.

"So, Felipe…," she trailed, giggling at the half-hearted glare he sent her. She sat up and curled her legs under her, throwing her arm over the back of the couch, "Why on Earth did you put your middle name on the reservation?"

"Well, I was led to believe I was meeting with Carisi's cousin and I don't anyone from his family knowing my real name."

Liv nodded, "I can't blame you there. I'm shocked you even agreed to go on a date with this woman." Rafael hung his head.

"It was split second and I needed to get out of here. Trust me, I planned on leaving before she ever got there, but…then it was you there instead. How did you get Carisi to set you up? Did you guilt trip you into taking out one of his old Staten Island buddies?"

"Actually, it was Amanda, and she made a very valid point about me smothering Noah and humming cartoon theme songs at work."

"I should have known," he shook his head, "This entire shoddy plan reeks of those two. Why you let them work together, I'll never know." Liv laughed out loud and stood, stretching and feeling the familiar popping sensation in her back.

"Because Fin's too busy sending heart emoji's to Rita all day and those two get results. Now, enough about them. We've eaten, you've made my son laugh, and I'm in the mood to get a tour of the rest of this apartment."

She held her hand out and he took it, smirking at her. She had thrown on her cardigan over her bare chest, but it hung open now with a tantalizing view, and he followed her willingly. Before they crossed the threshold into his sparsely decorated bedroom, she turned around and pulled him in for a slow, deep kiss. It was one that told him that everything was going to be alright and that she loved him.

But, just in case he didn't catch that last part, she whispered it again, for the tenth time that night, against his lips.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

* * *

"Rollins, Carisi, in here."

Amanda and Sonny shared a dread filled look across their desks and slowly walked towards Liv's office. Fin eyed them over his cell phone and just shook his head again, like he had been doing during this entire plan. He tried telling them, more than once, that it wouldn't end well for them, but his voice went unheard.

"Nice knowin' you," he commented and smirked when Carisi shot him a worried glance over his shoulder.

As they entered Liv's office, she gestured for them to close the door, which Amanda did hesitantly. She knew there was no way of not getting caught when they formed this original plan, even if Carisi tried coming up with some dumb excuses to make it look like both of them didn't know anything.

They both came in this morning, fully expecting to be stripped down in her office first thing, but Amanda thought they successfully evaded being ripped new ones when Liv just strolled through the squad room, glowing, with a cup of coffee from that place her and Barba only ever went to. The two really thought they got away with murder, and even high fived like idiots.

Now…

Liv smirked at them from her desk, legs crossed and hands folded in her lap. Her glasses were shoved up in her hair and she looked like a predator on the prowl. Amanda and Carisi stood there silently, taking in her scrutinizing eyes.

"You two have balls, I'll give you that. Setting me and Rafael up like that…it takes guts."

They knew better than to interject, so they stayed quiet. Amanda would take whatever punishment they were going to get with dignity. She couldn't say the same for Carisi, who looked ready to fall to his knees and beg forgiveness.

Wuss.

"You know what else takes guts?"

They shook their heads and Liv looked absolutely giddy. "Chasing after a hyperactive five and two-year-old all day." Amanda furrowed her brow, but she wasn't left guessing for long.

"Noah has been dying to go see the Paw Patrol Live show coming to town this Saturday, and I managed to get four tickets for four certain people. As part of your punishment for pulling this stunt, you'll be taking my son, who wants Aunt Manda and Uncle Sonny time, to the show along with Jesse. After that, I expect him to be fed and made comfortable in your apartment, where Rafael and I will pick him up the next morning. How does that sound?"

Amanda and Carisi shared a look, both silently agreeing that the punishment could be way worse than that and they eagerly took it.

"We'll be there bright and early Saturday morning, Lieutenant."

"Good. Now back to work."

Liv smiled after them and decided to dive into her own work, eager to get through the day so she could get home and prepare dinner for two of her favorite people for the night. She couldn't wait for Noah to be surprised when Rafael showed up at their doorstep.

She just couldn't wait to see him period.


End file.
